Shalom!

My wish for us all, especially at this time of year, is Shalom. In fact, Shalom is my favorite word. I became interested in it 15 years ago and began to explore its meaning by calling a local rabbi. I asked him to talk to me about Shalom - and he was delighted to do so. He told me Shalom is commonly translated as peace but that it has a larger meaning. It is a word about abundance, healing, delight. It is used in community and points to our interconnection. It is, he said, perhaps best translated as "harmony and delight in all our relationships." With ourselves, our famlies, our wider world, God - all these are part of our relationship of harmony and delight.

When I think about cancer, the first word that comes to mind is not Shalom. We often experience, during traumatic periods, an absence of harmony and delight. Even our relationships can become clouded and strained - with our bodies, with others, with God. But I am learning that even in its absence, Shalom is something I can yearn for and expect to return. And I can find it in small ways. There are always pieces of Shalom around us - a smile from a neighbor, a piece of music that uplifts, a tomato from the garden. In difficult times, we still look for and find Shalom while we long for its fuller experience.

Yearning for Shalom in a violent and disappointing and sick world may be a large part of what Shalom really is, now that I think about it. When I long for something, I'm straining towards it. My senses are peeled for any sign, any encouragement, that Shalom can be experienced even now. Even now.

Shalom to us all this holiday season. May we all find abundance, health, prosperity, as we yearn for harmony and delight in all our relationships. May we all celebrate what Shalom we find each day.

Shalom!

Gazing at the Bandaged Places

The poet, Rumi, wrote: "Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you." This is so counter-intuitive. Turning towards our pain? "Following" our scars, as Carly Simon said. They both seem to understand that there is a direct relationship between our wounds and our awakening. This takes us past the epidermis, past the sutures, to what is within. If you've had cancer, you know that the outer scar reflects an inner one. All of us have been wounded by life in different ways, cancer or no cancer. I have even come to think of my cancer scar as a reminder that there is inner work to be done. My outer scar has long healed, but the wounds in my soul - now that takes a lifetime to explore. An acquaintance told me, after my diagnosis, that I had cancer in my soul. Hurtful and unkind words for someone who is barely keeping her head above water in the wake of a cancer diagnosis! But there was some truth there that I can now look at compassionately. All of us have been wounded, need healing, and find it painful to examine our wounds. My tendency is to turn away, to focus on more shallow wounds, to hold grudges against  truth-speakers. I now know that it is okay to be wounded. I am not responsible for my wounds. So just as I made decisions about what course to take to rid my body of cancer, I now summon the courage to look within at how I've been wounded and how I at times inflict further wounds on myself and others. I can face whatever the truth may be - that I am fearful or selfish or anxious or arrogant - knowing that in gazing at these, the light will enter. When I sit in the dentist chair, my dentist has to say over and over to me, "Turn back towards me." Without even realizing it, little by little, I have pulled away and need his gentle reminder. It is not a natural tendency to turn towards the pain. Yet that is what we are called to do by those wiser than I am. And in that turning, we ultimately find our souls healing and the light entering. Our scars can remind us that there is more work awaiting - and there is more light ahead.

Following Our Scars

Carly Simon wrote a song about her own breast cancer experience called "Scar." This blog's title is taken from a phrase in that song. I heard the song several years ago - and wondered: What does she mean? Follow your scar? I had no clue - but I liked it.

Since that time, I have gone back to graduate school and completed a degree in counseling. Along the way, I began to read Carl Jung, his idea of archetypes and shadows. I believe our lives are full of archetypes, both universal and personal. What this means to me is that everything can teach us something, can take us deeper into our understanding of our own inner worlds. Our natural tendency is to hide our scars, right? We want others to see our best side, not our flaws. Jung believed that integrating our darker side was the key to personal development and growth. Rather than ignoring what those of us who have gone through cancer surgeries have - scars - what if we accepted them and learned from them? Where would that lead us?

What is a scar, in fact? It is a mark signifying some kind of wound, often from a battle. We even say we are "fighting cancer" and "battling the disease." But a scar is not only a wound. It is a wound that has healed and left its mark. It says to us and others: I have fought and won. I'm still here.

Every civilization has stories of battles and heroes. Our society is rather short on heroes, it seems. But there does seem to be some sort of universal respect for cancer survivors. If you are like me, you don't feel like a hero. Not at all. I got sick. I did what I felt was right to get better. So far, it has worked. That's how I look at it.

But the world needs heroes, and surviving cancer may be what provides that to some degree in our time. I am no paragon of virtue. I get discouraged and tired. I even find myself ashamed of how my body looks now. But I hear what I think Carly Simon is saying in her song. I am "following" my scar. I am exploring its meaning in my life. And I am learning not to cringe when I look at myself in the mirror. I am following my scar to a larger understanding of its presence and its meaning. And, with Carly Simon's admonition, I am learning to "lead with my spirit."

Scar ~ written by Carly Simon

A grey day in February
Some flecks of white, but mostly brown
Purple surprises riding in on a nerve
Begins to excite you before it settles down
It's after the knives and the sutures and needles
I'm left with an arrow that points at my heart
I call it the seat of my sentimental sorrow
Gone seems to be one of the sum of my parts
And the night is cold
As the coldest nights are
There's a wise woman
She comes from an evening star
She says: Look for the signs
You won't have to look far
Lead with your spirit and follow
Follow your scar
A man I knew once said he wanted to see me
I said I'd been sick but was on the mend
I told him a few of the overall details
He said: That's too bad
And he's never called me again
What a gift in disguise that poor little puppy
So scared of misfortune and always on guard
A big man will love you
Even more when you're hurtin'
And a really big man
Loves a really good scar
Cause the dawn breaks
And it's breaking your heart
There's a wise woman
She sits at the end of the bar
She says: Look for the signs
You won't have to look far
Lead with your spirit and follow
Follow your scar
A grey day in February
Some flecks of white, but mostly brown
The world has tilted but
The world has expanded
And the world has turned
My world upside down
Cause the night is warm and all full of stars
There's a wise woman
She's moved right into my heart
She says: Look for the signs
You won't have to look far
Lead with your spirit and follow
Follow
Follow your scar